TexaSmama: December 2012

Recently, our family traveled to attend a graduation meeting for our son, Seth. Some of you may not be aware of Seth's struggles with substance abuse or the recent treatment he has undergone to overcome his chemical dependency. This account, (from a mother's point of view), will be a revelation of these facts. I believe the telling of it may be both heart-wrenching and spirit-uplifting. Regardless of the effect, I have Seth's permission to share what I experienced to be an educational, as well as emotional, celebration of sobriety.

Thursday night, June 21, 2012, our family gathered in the loft of a barn at the ranch where Seth completed a 60-day addiction treatment program. About 40 people were there, including some counselors, current treatment residents, past treatment clients who resided with Seth, and family. Family members included me, James, Grandma Facer, Hansen, Angie, Garrett, and James, Jr. We began with an opening prayer. Then, the ranch program manager, Jason, told his version of Seth's recovery. Among other things, he mentioned that Seth contributed greatly to the treatment group's ability to feel like a family of brothers all interested in the collective and individual health and recovery of all. He told of Seth's true humility and desire to receive help for his addiction and of his unassuming, natural ability to help and lead others. He lauded his musical talent, something that was mentioned by almost everyone else who stood and spoke that night. During his 60-day stay, Seth had been able to calm and inspire those who listened to him pour out his heart and soul when he sang his own lyrics to the songs he wrote and played on his guitar. Jason also made mention of Seth's contribution to the aftercare meetings where he shared his thoughts, experiences, and challenges. Seth's honesty and spirituality were his notable strengths. Jason said that Seth called out others when they were not being honest or responsible for their feelings or actions during meetings, and Seth accepted the chastisement of others when they called him out on his own, as they put it, "crap."

After Jason presented him with his graduation dog tag, an addition to the one already around his neck that earlier had marked the milestone of his 60 days of sobriety, Seth stood and told his own story of recovery beginning with how his addiction all began. He said he was 17 when he tried marijuana for the first time with "friends." He admitted that he had really enjoyed the high and knew right there and then that it was to be the first of many such highs.

(Seth actually got caught in those early days by me and James. When we found out what he was doing with the 21-year-olds with whom he worked, we immediately made him quit his job and stop seeing those coworkers. He found a different job and started hanging out with some straight kids. We also took him with us to a local Addiction Recovery Program - the Church's 12-step program - meeting. We only attended twice, I think, because he didn't think much of the meetings. James and I thought they were wonderful, but we understood that a person won't change if he doesn't think he has a problem and/or if he doesn't want to change. All we could do was keep Seth from going to certain places and being with certain people.)

Anyway, then Seth told about his family moving to Texas without him a year later (June of 2006) and how he was going to go to the state university and room with some friends. The problem was that he didn't have the money for school and for living on his own. He went back to the same job he had had earlier in high school, and it was only a matter of time before he started smoking and doing drugs again with his old buddies. He went on for some time living high (until the day I remember him talking to his dad on the phone and James telling him, "Get the hell home." By that, he meant for Seth to come to Texas and live with us which is what he did.) Seth got it together in Texas for a while.

(Here I'm going to add more details than he did at the graduation. He got a job cleaning pools for a good man in the church. His coworkers were all LDS boys. He hung out with them and started attending Institute classes and activities. He even actively helped out on the Institute council. He took some classes at UTSA. He was working with our bishop to prepare to serve a mission. The bishop was unyielding about the necessity of staying clean for a year before Seth could think about a mission call. Although Seth walked the walk and talked the talk, I worried when he started hanging out more and more with some high school boys in the neighborhood than with his LDS coworkers and Institute friends.) In time, Seth returned to drug use. (When we all went to Utah for Malerie's wedding, he told us that he was moving back to Utah.) With a vengeance and at 19 years of age, he went back to his old homies and his former ways.

In his narrative at the graduation, Seth told of the next five years. In Utah, he met a girl who became his girlfriend. She drank, and he started drinking as well as getting high to feel good. The relationship didn't stick, but the drinking did. Within two years, he found himself in trouble with the law. His solution to this was to move back in with the family in Texas (spring of 2009). It was difficult for him to stick with a job for any length of time, although he was always able to find work. He would quickly get bored or unhappy with whatever he did. He was showing signs of depression. He had difficulty thinking about the future and greater difficulty finding motivation to change the present. Actually, he decided he was having difficulty thinking. He wondered if he had ADD or ADHD. He went through three doctors and at least as many types of medication with no satisfaction. As soon as he turned 21 (May 2009), he was old enough to buy hard liquor on his own, and it became his drug of choice.

(He became very isolative and drank in solitude. He had less and less to do with the family, the Church, and friends. Clearly, he was troubled, and we weren't helping. If anything, we were enabling his disease. When nothing changed even after giving him our ultimatum for not living the house rules, Seth moved back to Utah.) In Utah, Seth moved in with his former work friend from his high school days. (His friend was married and had given up the party scene for the most part, but he rented out rooms to Seth and another guy in the same house.) When that arrangement didn't work out, he again turned to family.

(Luckily, Grandma and Grandpa Facer were willing to open their home to Seth. I say "luckily" because Grandma and Grandpa Facer also had house rules that Seth was obviously not going to be able to honor. First and foremost, only grandchildren who are actively pursuing an education or are preparing to serve a mission could live with them. After praying about Seth's request, however, they decided to allow Seth to move in. I believe that Heavenly Father had a plan for Seth and that Mark and Dixie were an integral part of that plan. Interestingly, the only time Seth showed any tendency toward tears in telling his story at graduation was when he paid tribute to the love and help given him by his Grandma and by his family. They/we truly served Seth because they/we loved unconditionally. I imagine that Seth must have felt that many times over the past several years.) Nevertheless, Seth suffered as an addict and as an alcoholic suffers. His life was unmanageable and his pain was exquisite.

(I read recently that most often it isn't until the pain from the effects of addiction becomes greater than the pain of the cause of addiction that the addict decides he's had enough. I suppose that Seth was nearing that point right around Christmastime of 2011, because for the first time that I can remember that was when Seth finally said that he not only knew he needed treatment but he wanted treatment. Some time ago, James had checked into the different treatment programs available along the Wasatch Front and found one that looked very promising. After talking to the intake person, a fellow named Dave, James gave Seth the contact information knowing that if Seth was serious enough about getting help he would initiate the call to Dave. Seth did talk to Dave some time after that, but Dave reported back to James that he thought our son was very close but not quite ready for treatment.)

December 2011

At Christmas in Texas, Seth talked about going into treatment when he got home to Utah. He had a great time with the family while in Texas. (We were all home for the holidays except for Garrett, of course, who was still serving his mission in Norway. We had great hopes for Seth's resolve, but we knew that he had to make it happen without additional pressure or action on our part.)

Seth related that although he had remained clean and sober with the family, one of the first things he did when he got back to Utah was find a liquor store (at a distance) that was open as late as 10pm. Then in no time, he called his source for drugs. For the next several days, Seth was out of control, out of his mind, and out of options. In a stupor, a haze, and as sick as a dog, he shut himself into his bedroom. Collapsed on the floor, he prayed to Heavenly Father and pled for help. (One thing Seth knew all along was that God was mindful of him. He had often prayed for God's help and had often received it. "Thus we may see that the Lord is merciful unto all who will, in the sincerity of their hearts, call upon his holy name. - Book of Mormon, Helaman, Chapter 3, Verse 27)

This time Seth knew he couldn't trust himself. He knew that he needed someone or something else to take complete control. He called me at something like 4:30am after enduring a hellish night alone. Later that morning, he talked to James and told his dad that he knew he needed to go into treatment. That day, he called Dave at the ranch. Seth called as many people as he could to let them know he was going into treatment. He said he did this because he feared that when he sobered up he would change his mind. And in order to be admitted to rehab, he had to be three days clean. House rules.

(January 12th was a day of Great Expectations. Thankfully, I was very excited and busy about receiving my mom, dad and sister, Tracy, and her family that day - interestingly, my dad's birthday - to SA to welcome Garrett home from his mission. Although that experience of Garrett's homecoming is a whole 'nother story worth telling at another time, it relates to this story because not only was I relieved to welcome back Garrett when he stepped off of the plane on January 12th, I was also relieved when the call came from Grandma Facer that she had dropped off Seth with his bags and his guitar that day to the rehab ranch. In a way, it was a homecoming for Seth as well. It was the beginning of Seth's recovery, the beginning of Seth coming to his real self again. I was so excited to get my Seth back. Somehow, I just didn't think that it was a coincidence that Seth entered treatment on that very day.)

Once at the ranch, Seth said it was nothing like he thought it would be. (Seth had called his home teacher and asked for a blessing. In the blessing, he was told that rehab would be much harder than he expected or imagined.) For starters, all the "brothers" and staff members hugged each other and hugged him. That was definitely weird and uncomfortable. (Jason had told in his account that Seth was resistant and guarded at first. He didn't even want to play his guitar in the beginning.) Seth said he was exhausted and just wanted to sleep. Although he was finally able to sleep and feel better because of some medication the physician had given him, the schedule at the ranch kept him extremely busy.

(I keep interjecting, but I have to say how impressed with the ranch I was. Seth was not allowed to make any phone calls for the first week. After that time, he was allowed 10 minutes of phone time on the ranch phone. No personal cell phones were allowed. If liberties were taken with the 10-minute allotment, a write-up was given. After 13 write-ups - for any and all accumulated infractions - the client would be dismissed from the program. I think Seth said that he scored up to the 13 allowed; but, I heard at graduation that most of them were given to him for being late to meetings - and he was late because he was often engaged in journal writing or guitar playing. The residents were kept very busy with meetings, cleaning jobs, ranch jobs with the grounds and the animals, community service projects, exercise, journaling, reading, etc. They were up at 6am, and lights were out at 10:30pm. Beds were made and bedrooms were kept clean.)

(James and I visited Seth at the Ranch about four-and-a-half weeks into his stay. It is a beautiful ranch home, nicely-furnished, tastefully-decorated, and well-maintained. The out-buildings are rustic and are a work-in-progress, though. The house can hold 15-20 residents, I think. The staff welcomed us warmly then allowed us time to be with Seth unattended. Seth happily took us on the grand tour of the home and introduced us to the brothers as we encountered them. I truly felt the Spirit of the Lord in that home. I believe the program is unique in that the Twelve Steps and Traditions are used for recovery within the framework of the restored gospel of Jesus Christ. The AA's Big Book, the Book of Mormon and the Bible are all studied and used to teach principles and doctrines of temporal and eternal salvation and to help the men - the program is restricted to the male gender - find themselves again and build their relationships to Christ and to Heavenly Father. The Church's Addiction Recovery Program is included in the treatment, as well. I felt that Seth was exactly where he needed to be at that time in his life. He was definitely in a safe place. The best part about it was that it had been his own decision and desire to be there. He yielded control of his life to those who could help him. He had not been compelled - by another human or man-made institution, at least.)

Needless to say, the scriptures, prayer, the Holy Ghost, sobriety, the journaling, the program, the staff and the band of brothers had a life-changing effect upon Seth. Jason said that Seth's protective walls came down and that he became very committed, passionate and serious about his recovery. Seth expressed thanks to those who helped in his recovery. Of course, he was grateful to James and me. As I said before, he became somewhat emotional as he addressed his Grandma. He was very appreciative of his sponsor, T_, who he met in aftercare. Once out of the ranch, he moved into a sober-living apartment complex with his friend from the ranch, Z_. For three months, he participated in the aftercare treatment program and remained clean and sober. It is this accomplishment for which we were all gathered in celebration.

After Seth addressed the attendees, those family members who spoke were as follows: me, James, Hansen, Grandma Facer, Garrett, and James, Jr. Always, hugs with Seth concluded each speaker's thoughtful sharing. At some point, all of us agreed with Jason that we should hear Seth perform one of his songs. Jason went out to the parking lot and brought Seth's guitar out of his car and into the meeting. Seth chose to sing a song that he had written while at the ranch about his grandma being an angel. He had actually sung it for me and James when we came to visit him last February. He performed quite beautifully and with stunning emotion at the graduation. It set the tone for the sincerity and love-filled expressions that followed. To be more brief, I will recount only highlights of what was said.

Mom
     Shared that I myself am recovering -- as a perfectionist. Acknowledged that Seth had to put up with my tendency to control and criticize while growing up, a tendency for which I was penitent.
     Shared for the first time with Seth that he was busted in high school when his phone made a "butt call" to home. I had answered the call and listened to what clearly incriminated Seth with errant activities. I had never disclosed this information before because in case it was ever needed in the future I wanted a butt call to be made again.
     Shared an important truth learned while James and I participated in a Pioneer Trails Workshop with CES. After days and days of following the Mormon Pioneer Trails, experiencing the historical sights, and hearing the stories of human suffering and faith-filled testimonies of God's love, I learned for myself that suffering in and of itself is not bad. Suffering is a part of our mortal experience and fulfills a purpose in God's plan for our learning, growth, and perfection. This understanding helped me to let go of trying to change or fix Seth and allow time and Seth's experiences with his own choices to accomplish his life's tutorial.
     Expressed gratitude to the people in the room and to the ranch for their part in Seth's recovery.

Dad
     Shared a story about losing Seth when he was two years old. Aside from wanting to give Seth a shorter boy's haircut (the lady who found him in the middle of a busier street described him to the police as a cute little girl), he learned from that experience that he never wanted to lose him again.
     Shared his knowledge that Seth is a natural-born leader with God-given talents designed to help him and others come to Christ. Asserted that that is still the case today and that much good can come from his experiences.

Hansen, oldest brother
     Remembered that he and Seth didn't get along very much while growing up. They didn't share many of the same interests, although Seth tried to share the wearing of Hansen's clothes, much to Hansen's irritation.
     Expressed the desire that he and Seth would grow closer and that their relationship would be healed.

Grandma
     Shared her familiarity and appreciation for the Big Book, the Twelve Steps, and the gospel in her own recovery these last twenty years. Grateful that Seth now had his own experience with the truths found in these sources.
     Expressed the concern she had while Seth lived at her home due to worrying about Seth's health, his whereabouts, and the safety of Seth and others because of his addiction. Grateful that she could have meaningful discussions with Seth that he had acknowledged were helpful in his journey.

Garrett, younger brother
     Shared how much he had looked up to Seth and wanted to be just like him growing up. Seth was good at everything he ever did from playing football to teaching himself how to play the guitar.
     Admitted that it hurt him deeply when Seth chose to hang out with skating buddies rather than attend his missionary farewell.
     Shared that his mission president promised success for those missionaries willing to pay the price for serving their fellowmen. Prayed every single day for Seth, counting on the blessings he desired to be poured out upon his brother Seth. (very emotional in the telling, I might add) Encouraged when he came home to find that Seth was in rehab. He hadn't known that it wouldn't be until the very last day of his being set apart as a full-time missionary that the miracle for which he had so often prayed would be realized.

James, Jr., 14yo brother
     Like Garrett, James was emotional as he told how he too had looked up to Seth and had wanted to be just like him. However, he only found out about three years ago that Seth had ever been involved with alcohol and drugs.
     Shared that as a family we always prayed for Seth's safety and for him to "get out of the pit." James's own experience with personal prayer in behalf of his older brothers gave him a firm knowledge and testimony of the efficacy of prayer, the power of God's love, and the reality of miracles in his family's lives.

The Brothers
     Many of the men who knew Seth through the Ranch, including at least one other staff member, his sponsor, his roommates (Seth had more than one because they don't all come and leave at the same time), and other residents, stood to let Seth know of the positive influence he had and continues to have in each of their lives. One of the former residents is married, and his wife stood to thank him. Her story is unique. One day, her husband came home late, and she was quite unhappy about it. He told her to come and see what he had been doing and what he had brought home. He then showed her three guitars given to the family by Seth. To her amazement, Seth had given them to her and her two boys so that he could teach them all how to play and so that they could practice between lessons. Every week since then, Seth has been faithful in coming to their home on time to give them lessons. He has even been teaching the recovering father who only has 20% of his sight remaining and who has nerve damage in his fingers, both conditions due to a drug overdose.
     Story after story was recounted of Seth's ability to put others at ease through his genuine love, his commitment to recovery, his sincerity and ability to converse, his unassuming leadership, and his gift of music. A couple of the brothers had doubted his sincerity and genuineness in the beginning of their association with him because they wondered if he truly was an addict. He certainly didn't seem to fit the stereotype nor did he seem to have some of the same emotional baggage or trauma history that characterizes many addicts. At any rate, whatever circumstances brought them together they now were a "band of brothers." And at the end of the graduation in the barn, family and brothers and staff members all ate cake and drank lemonade.

I now am at the end of my long epistle. Thanks for bearing with me. I have just a few thoughts of my very own that I won't put in parentheses; nevertheless, I take full responsibility for them as my own opinions. First of all, I want to acknowledge that I am imperfect. I am a sinner. Whether or not those sins are visible to others, I know that they are visible to God. I believe that my sins are no less offensive to God than anyone else's sins. I also believe, however, that when God views me (or any other sinner), he sees me as who I am because of my relationship to Him. I am a child of God. We all are children of a loving Heavenly Father.

At the beginning of a speech to the group at graduation, a speaker would say, "Hello, I'm so-and-so. I'm an alcoholic and/or an addict." At the end of a few orations the speaker would say, "And with that, I'll take another 24," would hug Seth and would sit down. Basically, it means that he will take it one day at a time to recovery. How we all are alike! Recovery is repentance. The Twelve Steps is not a new program of restoration to sanity. It is a pattern for repentance as old as time itself. We all must take one day at a time to repent and come unto Christ.

As Alma said to his son Corianton, "And now, my son, I would to God that ye had not been guilty of so great a crime. I would not dwell upon your crimes, to harrow up your soul, if it were not for your good." (Alma 39:7) I suppose that this is the purpose of continuing to attend recovery meetings and thinking of oneself as an addict. I suppose it is "for [the addict's] good." But after that, Alma spoke to his son of restoration through the Atonement of Jesus Christ. He said, "Therefore, my son, see that you are merciful unto your brethren; deal justly, judge righteously, and do good continually; and if ye do all these things then shall ye receive your reward; yea, ye shall have mercy restored unto you again; ye shall have justice restored unto you again; ye shall have a righteous judgment restored unto you again; and ye shall have good rewarded unto you again. For that which ye do send out shall return unto you again, and be restored;" (Alma 41:14-15)

If each of us offers his whole being to Christ, his whole being will be restored to him again in perfect form. He will be as the scriptures say "a new creature in Christ." 2 Corinthians 5:17 says, "Therefore if any man be in Christ, he is a new creature: old things are passed away; behold, all things are become new." Hence, the addict is done away; the sinner is done away. So, I say, one day at a time until that day comes. My hope is that it comes to us in this life, sooner rather than later.

I love Seth. I rejoice in his courage, his resolve, and his success. Thankfully, he now has some tools in his chest with which to repair any residual damage and a crew of capable and loving supporters waiting in the pits each time he has to make a stop and check his reality. May we all have courage, resolve, faith, love, and charity to find our own happiness and success!
Thanks for reading, and thanks for caring.